babies were throwing up all over the place
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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