I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
