So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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