the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
