youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
