I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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