There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
