Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
