Moan for me like Helen Keller
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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