Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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