So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
