I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
