my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
