I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
