fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I want her autograph on my taint
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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