that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
