So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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