oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
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