that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize