The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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