I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
