How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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