I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
