Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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