from now on my penis is your penis
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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