he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize