Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
