After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
