I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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