Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He better not be in your backpack
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
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