My Higher Power is John Stamos
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
