My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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