Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
