my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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