please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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