end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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