Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
