im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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