i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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