matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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