she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
