respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
