Someone shit on the floor
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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