i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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