maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
