Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dicks are not precious.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
