So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
