I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
