woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
