So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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