I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
