I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
