Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
