i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
